We're going to have a boy

I haven't been blogging in many days, but last week was crazy busy in many respects. Like I posted the last time, it was my last week working in publishing, and getting ready to leave plus making preparations for this new phase in my life took a lot of time. Also, Juudit was supposed to start with a new nanny at another family's home this week, but due to sudden and unexpected changes in that family's life that's not going to happen at all, or at least not in the following couple of weeks.



Arranging those things was time-consuming, too. Now Juudit's old nanny from when we lived in Punavuori will be taking care of her part-time for a couple of weeks, and the grandparents will help, too. In the meantime we're looking for a new nanny or daycare place for Juudit. We love Juudit's old, Scottish nanny, but it's a drag for me to get Juudit to Kaartinkaupunki and back by bus, tram and walking three times a week. Especially if it will be raining all the time, like it seems to be now. *sigh*



Anyway, on to good news: We went to an ultrasound scan to see Bumpie today, and found out everything seems to be fine with him. Yes, him, as we also found out he's definitely a boy. Wow. I knew to expect that, as my friend, who is very gifted in telling these things beforehand, had told me ages ago I would be having a boy. Still, I had been hoping for another daughter, but now I need to continue with trying to get used to the idea of a boy. A son. It's so weird.



I have nothing against little boys (or big boys for that matter). I love my nephew dearly, and growing up I was a bit of a tomboy myself, always having boys as friends. I still find it often easier to get along with men than women I don't know very well, even though I tend to get closer with other women in time.



I guess the idea of a boy in our family seems strange, because I grew up with two sisters, and my own family is sort of an ideal to me. Also, I feel sorry for Juudit, as all the little brothers of my childhood girlfriends were really annoying and teasing us all the time. I think another mum-to-a-boy-to-be said it well, when she reflected how girls are the creating force while boys are destroyers. She remembered how she used to weep and have funerals for the little birds the neighbourhood's boys had killed by throwing rocks at them.



I know how this sounds. I know not all boys are wild and destroying, and not all girls are nurturing and sensitive. I might even influence my own children's attitude and views on things to some extent. But then there's the past life baggage.



I have this "hobby" - past life research. It's mostly that I believe in reincarnation and in past lives affecting us in numerous ways. I have realised that remembering your past lives makes you learn a lot about yourself, life and others around you. It's very very useful, and I really love self-exploring. I'm pretty normal, believe it or not, and even though it might sound amazing or crazy to some people that I claim to remember bits and pieces of dozens of my past lives, there's nothing extraordinary or paranormal in it to me. Anybody can remember with a little practice. Many people do that naturally, especially children, but I'm not one of them - although I'm not sure if I remembered as a child.



Anyway, reincarnation and past lives are parts of my everyday life, but I'm not raving about them all the time, and hardly ever to other people, because most don't share my beliefs or are just not very interested. I don't want to "convert" anybody. Reincarnation happens, whether you believe it or not, and there's no punishment awaiting if you don't believe in it - or big rewards if you do. So most of the time I just don't bother talking about it. But this is my journal, and I want to be honest about my life here, and as past lives are a big part of my current one, I need to post about them sometimes, too. I hope you don't mind.



Some time ago I realised one of the patterns repeating in my past lives (repeating patterns are very common in reincarnation, and realising and breaking unwanted patterns is one of the good points in remembering past lives) was problems with sons. In two age-old past lives I remember my child was actually taken away from me, because he was a boy. It was a cultural thing, and thus expected, but because of it I was very much hoping to have a daughter. I believe those feelings with the traumatic experiences about having to give up my sons are affecting my feelings about giving birth to a boy even today.



In addition to those, chronologically very old past lives, I have very emotional memories of a Scottish past life in the 1200's. We lived around or next to Edinburgh Castle and when the English made a surprise attack to the castle, I and my son were suddenly in the middle of a battle. I think we were villagers and supposed to defend the castle, but probably ending up in the middle of all that fighting as a woman and a little boy was an unfortunate mistake. At some point I had to leave my son alone, or I lost him for a moment, and he got killed. This made me feel extremely guilty - to this day. Thinking about those memories makes me still uneasy.



After that there have been several past lives in which I've lost a son. Children died often in the old times, of course, but it still seems to have been a pattern in my lives. Not all those sons died, but sometimes I was forced to give them up for different reasons. Then there are lifetimes in which I had a very bad relationship with my son or sons - and their father.



There are good memories about sons, too, but I'm not sure if there are any lifetimes I remember for the moment, in which I had a healthy, loving relationship with a son, who grew up to adulthood, and I got to live to an old age not abandoning him by dying, while he was still a child. But I do understand that realising all this now in this life makes it possible to work with this issue and to create that good mother-son relationship this time, letting go of the guilt and negative feelings about having a boy.



With these words I welcome you to the family, dear Bumpie!